UHH … NO DEAL

March 3, 2006

Pardon the annoying word repetition, but what's the deal with "Deal or No Deal"? On Monday, the first day of a five-night stint for the game show that concludes tonight, host Howie Mandel called it the "game show sensation that's taken the world by storm." While that may be just a bit hyperbolic (or "Donald Trump speak," as NBC certainly must call it), enough people watched "Deal" in its debut a few months back for the network to award it a whole week of programming now.

If NBC's going to keep putting this thing on the air every month or so, similar to what ABC used to do with "Who Wants to be a Millionaire," let me take "Deal of No Deal" up on its titular challenge and respond with a big, fat NO DEAL. At least "Millionaire" had its quiz-show charms. "Deal" is a loud, flashy, and ultimately hollow game show that holds not a sliver of entertainment value.

Howie tells you himself. At the beginning of Monday's show he promised there'd be no crazy stunts and no trivia. Well, heck, if you take those out of a game show, what do you have left?! Apparently, you have what goes down on "Deal." A contestant has the chance to win up to $1 million or more by choosing a numbered case from a large group of identical cases. Some have a large dollar amount in them. Some have five bucks or even less. With the selected case removed from the bunch, the rest of the cases are then opened one-by-one (in an order picked by the contestant) and various cash prizes are removed from a big board that keeps track of what dollar amounts could still be locked away inside the chosen case.

Are you bored from reading this yet? Trust me, watching is worse.

Anyway, as cases are opened and dollar amounts are removed from the board, a mysterious figure called "The Banker" will call and offer to make the contestant a deal. If lots of big cash prizes remain on the board (and possibly in that originally selected case), The Banker will repeatedly offer an increasingly large amount of money for the contestant to walk away. At the end, it boils down to the contestant taking the guaranteed cash offered in the deal or rolling the dice and hoping even more money sits inside the case they picked.

What all this means is that "Deal or No Deal" is 60 minutes of metallic cases being opened. That's it. That's the show. Watching it is akin to watching a game of keno when you're not even playing. Howie will eventually introduce the contestant's "team," a group of family and friends who are on hand to help out. Apparently, choosing numbered cases to open is just too difficult for one man or woman to do alone. (And the team concept led to an awkward situation on Monday when a contestant's wife repeatedly told her husband to take the deal and grab the easy cash while the woman's own father pushed for a different decision by repeatedly screaming, "Shoot dem bones! Shoot dem bones!")

Each numbered case is also assigned its own buxom model, who smiles until it's time to open her case, thus earning her precious moments of TV screen time. "Deal or No Deal" offers about three times more silicone than it does actual fun.

The whole enterprise lacks any inspiration or spontaneity. (The show seems painfully staged, especially the "Price is Right"-esque run from the crowd by an obviously pre-selected contestant). There's no sense of challenge, that key game-show ingredient that still has TV viewers shouting out answers while they watch "Jeopardy." Even "Let's Make a Deal" benefited from all those ridiculous costumes, for crying out loud.

"Deal or No Deal" doesn't even have that. It has a bunch of locked cases, and one hyperventilating contestant shouting things like, "There's a lot of game left, Howie," after a really big dollar amount is revealed to be in a case other than the one chosen. Maybe for you, obnoxious contestant. For the people watching, there wasn't any game to begin with.